Heh.. I haven’t been on here in a few days. That’s good though, right? I haven’t felt the need to scream, or to.. do other things. So I haven’t had to be here to tell you my pointless feelings and emotions toward other things. But here I am, tonight. I can’t figure out why I’m here. I mean, I’m a bit upset but I’ve been taking better control of all of this. Anyways.. onto some somewhat important things, I sliced my finger today. It was accident. I keep repeating that to myself. Because it was. I had forgot that I left that razor in there, and I just so happened to run my finger over it. I wonder though, maybe I had known, and maybe I just convinced myself that I didn’t know it was there. Maybe I’m so desperate for that.. I pretended not to know. But what’s pathetic, is the fact that I can’t even remember. I can’t remember much anymore. I don’t know why that is. I’ve been sleeping normally.. most nights. I can’t figure out why that is. I’ve been alone more than ever and I’m not flipping out. I don’t know why that is. I don’t sleep during the day really anymore. I don’t know why that is. I’m so.. lost. Ha, I don’t know why that is either. Because it seems like I’m alright. But I’m sure that I’ve just become more numb. And more accustom to these feelings. Maybe that’s why. Damn. I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore. I’m like just typing. So. I’m going to go. Cuts and scars, sleeplessincalifornia.
I’ve come to realize that you’ve always been my sun. Sure, I had a flame with a few other candles, and they gave me the light I needed when you were away, but eventually, they all burn out. You have always been here, even when I couldn’t realize it.
I haven’t written in a few days. Don’t know why that is. Today was interesting. I went to the mall. I forgot how much I hate it. I forgot how much I hate going out in public around other people. When I left the house, I thought I looked really pretty. And I was confident. But then we got to the mall, and I was standing there looking at all the hopelessly cute boys, and the beautiful girls, and then I just wanted to crawl up in a ball and die. I become really anxious when I’m in public. I just want to cut. I wish I could sometimes but I don’t really do it anymore. Why? Not because I don’t want to, because believe me, I do. But I made a promise to you. And even though we haven’t talked in a few days, I’ll still hold that promise. I miss you. It drives me crazy. I needed you today the most. Sometimes I can’t deal with everything and that’s when I need you. No, let’s face it. I need you every second I’m breathing. I don’t know how you crawl under my skin, but you do. I’m glad you do. I need you there.
(via blogsecret)
I guess I’ll write something for today. Ha, I talk as if I have nothing on my mind. Which is not the case at all. You’re back. I’m so happy you’re back. I don’t know what it is about you. Out of everyone in the world, I don’t have a problem telling you anything. Half of the things I say, I would never say to anyone else. Especially the lovey dovey things. I’m not usually so much like that. But maybe the fact that you return the feeling. Maybe the fact that I know you love me, and I know that you believe I’m your soulmate, that makes things comfortable for me. But at the same time, I’m not comfortable. I’m reading to do back flips, kick my feet, jump up and down, and scream. You make me feel happy. I don’t know how you do it, but you do. I have this unconditional love for you. A love that can’t just be described, it’s something you have to feel. I ache to hold you. To be near you. I’ve never had that before with anyone else. When I lay down in my bed, I can’t help but wish you were near me. Right next to me, holding me. That’s all I really want. I’ve never day-dreamed about another person so much in my life. So that’s how I know you’re different. You’re the first person in a while that I haven’t tried to force myself to love. It just comes naturally. I fucking love you. I’m inlove with you. I will always love you. And that almost scares me, but it’s the scariest thing I’ve ever enjoyed. The thing is, we don’t even have to make it official. I don’t need you to be my boyfriend, or even husband. I trust you. Because you say you love me more (which I don’t believe) but, with this, I use it as a reminder. I know that I love you so much, that I would never think of wanting anyone else. And if you love me even more than that, I must have a pretty good hold on you. I think that, most of all, makes me love you. How you can love a person like me so much isn’t something I understand. But I won’t question it, I’m lucky. I know I am.
New day, new secret.
2) I’m scared to tell you the truth because I have a feeling you’ll leave me. I need you. But he’s back. I feel like Bella. You’re my Jake, and he’s my Edward. What the hell am I supposed to do now?
Since I’m so over waiting for BlogSecret to post my secrets, I’m putting them on here. Just to get them off my chest. One a day, two, three. It doesn’t matter.
1) Sometimes when I’m hurting myself, I imagine how I would tell you what I’m doing. And since I know you well enough, I imagine what you would say back.
God. Now I know hate is a strong word, but I fucking hate you. For plenty of reasons. Reason #1) YOU BLAME ME FOR EVERY GOD DAMN THING. 2) You don’t listen to anything I say. 3) You were supposed to be my best friend. 4) You played me too many times. 5) You took advantage of the fact that I was young and naive. 5) You know I cut, but you still do this to me. 6) You cause alot of these scars. 7) You lie to me constantly. 8) You always fucking leave me out of everything. 9) YOU’RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE. 10) You never take the time out of your day to see if I’m okay. 11) ..fuck you. 12) You cheated on me and broke my heart. 13) You had a boyfriend the entire time we were together. 14) Your name is Garrett Hurst. 15) You PMS more than I do. 16) You insult me all the time without even knowing it. 17) You make me want to make you want me. Sick, isn’t it? 18) I care about you. I don’t fucking know why. 19) I saved you that day you almost overdosed.. and yet you treat me like this? Shows alot. 20) You make me want to punch infants. 21) You give me the worst anxiety. 22) You make me feel like I need you. 23) You push me down and kick me around. 24) You use me for your own amusement. 25) You make me want to off myself, but I would never give you the satisfaction of knowing you made me do that. 26) ONCE AGAIN, FUCK YOU. 27) You’re a hypocrite. 28) You say you don’t judge me for what I’ve been through, but I know you’re lying. 29) You made me go through the stupidest shit. 30) I hate that I ever saw something in you. 31) I hate that I still see something in you. 32) You make me cry. And NO ONE should make me cry. Especially my “best friend.” 33) You’re always quick to replace me. 34) You insist you care about me, but we both know that’s a bunch of shit. 35) You’re never there for me.
That’s all I can think of. But god.. just fucking kill me already. I’m sick of this shit.
(via blogsecret)
I did it again last night. That was the first time in two weeks about. No, wait. A week. I don’t know. I lost count. It felt good. I hate that it feels good. And I hate that I can’t tell anyone that I did it. I wish I could. But I don’t want sympathy. But what I do need is what I won’t admit to. Maybe I need someone. Someone who’s closer than I let anyone. I can’t give in that easily though. Not after what’s happened. I can’t do it. I CAN’T. You know how sometimes you’re so sad or depressed or angry that you laugh? You laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. And then you stop to think for a second. “Why the hell am I laughing?” Three things cross your mind. 1) That wasn’t that funny. 2) Why am I laughing? 3) Stop. Then you stop and you feel weird. Chances are that hasn’t happened to any of you. It’s probably just me. Sadly. Well actually. I can handle being alone so I can handle being alone there. I wrote something yesterday. Something that I really liked. “I finally realized why everything doesn’t seem to matter to me. It’s pointless. I’m pointless. You’re pointless. And this whole life thing is pointless. Family is pointless. Friends are especially pointless. And this thing I’m writing? Completely pointless.” The inspiration for that is pretty clear. I have no one. And weather or not I can tell if I’m okay with it, it won’t change. I’m a lost cause. A mess. And HELL. I’m god damn alright with that part. I just need someone. Maybe. Anyone. No.. someone. The right someone. Maybe I’ve found that. I mean that thought crosses my mind all the time. But how am I suppose to let him in? I don’t know how. I mean.. I told him something very important about me and I love him. But where do I go from there? Hmph. Yet another pointless entry from me.
